Last Name
by Miss Nunya
Summary: Kory dragged Rachel with her on vacation to Vegas. However, things aren't so relaxing when Rachel wakes up with a problem on her ring finger... By Miss Nunya and Missnunyastalkerfan.
1. Uh Oh

Authors' Note

**Miss Nunya:** Hello, my lovelies!

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** You know you sound like the witch from Hansel and Gretel, right?

**Miss Nunya:** I sound like a child predator? …Urm, lemme try that, again. Hi, you guys!

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** And girls!

**Miss Nunya: **That was _implied_. *rolls eyes* Smartypants.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Finally you acknowledge my intellect! ;) I'm so smart it took me, like, three tries to spell acknowledge. Make that five now…

**Miss Nunya:** Hey, I said your _pants _were smart. That doesn't mean the rest of you. ;D

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** How smart can my pants be? They were on _clearance._

**Miss Nunya:** Yeah… No comment. =)

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** So, yeah, the _story_. (Getting people off-task, you should be ashamed, Miss Nunya) Tsk, tsk.

**Miss Nunya:** Hehe. Oops.*clears throat* Welcome, dear readers (and reviewers, I hope) to _Last Name_, a collaborative effort between Missnunyastalkerfan and myself.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Cue trumpet!

**Miss Nunya:** Medieval of you.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** I love that era! :P … that's an era, right?

**Miss Nunya:** Look, just because I question your intelligence doesn't mean I have any of my own. Ask _Google_.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** After we finish this incredibly long authors' note. *hint-hint*

**Miss Nunya:** My bad. Lol. Enjoy our crazies.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Hope you enjoy! If not… Miss Nunya wrote it, not me! :P

**Miss Nunya:** Web of _lies_! I just wrote the perverted stuff…

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Okay, let's let them _read _the story now.

**Miss Nunya:** Right, right. Oh, this was inspired by Carrie Underwood's song _Last Name_.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Enjoy!

_

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Disclaimer: If either of us owned Teen Titans, we would kill each other in a jealous rage. We're both still alive.

_**Last Name**_

_**Chapter One**_

_**Uh-Oh**_

_Pain._

That was the first thing I noticed when I woke up. My head felt like it was being stabbed with an ice pick, and the light was _not _helping.

Rolling over, I tried to shield my eyes from the cursed sunlight streaming through the window. Only… my left arm was stuck.

Cracking an eye open, I saw that my wrist was cuffed to the bedpost.

_What the…? _I thought, trying to free my hand from furry, pink handcuffs.

That's when I noticed the cheap, vending machine ring on my finger.

And, subsequently, my current state of undress.

And the fact that this wasn't my hotel room.

And that said ring wasn't on just _any_ finger.

_Uh-oh._

I sat up in panic, but immediately wished I hadn't as a wave of dizziness and nausea joined my mind-splitting headache in a token of last night's activities.

Or what little I could remember of them.

I eased back into bed slowly and tried to think around my alcohol induced stupor.

I remembered arriving in Las Vegas yesterday afternoon…

"_Kory," I begged. "Can't you just go clubbing alone? I'll stay in the room and read a book or something."_

"_That defeats the purpose of this trip, Rachel dear," Kory replied in that annoyingly sweet voice of hers. "You're supposed to be having fun. All you ever do is work and read, work and read, work and-"_

"_I got it," I cut in. "I didn't realize getting drunk and dry humping strangers to loud music was categorized as 'fun'," I added sarcastically._

"_Don't knock it 'til you've tried it," Kory laughed as she pranced up to the concierge desk to check us in. I rolled my eyes._

The sound of a shower turning on pulled me from my flashback. I glanced around the room and spotted the hot pink tube dress Kory had forced me into. It, along with the rest of my clothing, was strewn across the floor in what I can only assume had been the 'heat of the moment' last night.

Trying to ignore the fact that Kory was actually able to get me into that dress (and that someone was able to get me out of it), I struggled to recall what had happened at the club…

_I took one look at the club as we walked through the door. Bright spotlights, slot machines, pounding music, the stench of sweat and smoke, and dancing that resembled a nature documentary on reproducing rabbits. I gave a look of disgust at the drunken partiers and their primitive behavior. There was no way I would stay in the same room as those Neanderthals. I turned to escape, but Kory stopped me._

"_I'm going back to the room." I declared._

"_Aw, Rachel, you just got here!" Kory exclaimed. "You can't leave!"_

"_Watch me," I retorted._

"_Fine," Kory replied, an evil glint in her eye. "Then I'll just bring some guys back to the room for you." I gaped at her and she gave me a smug smile. "Now, are you gonna have fun?"_

"_Tequila!" I yelled at a startled bartender, shoving Kory on a stool and sitting down. I wasn't going to have 'fun' sober._

"_Rachel, don't you think you've had enough," Kory asked me a while later._

"_Nope," I said, downing another shot. "Why don't you go dance, though? That guy over there has been ogling you for a while," I cocked my head in the direction of a blue eyed guy with spiky black hair. "He's not bad looking," I added with a shrug, titling my head back to drain my shot glass._

_Kory sent a wistful smile his way before looking back at me, clearly not wanting to leave me by myself. "Are you sure-"she began._

"_I'll be fine," I promised. _Famous last words.

_She watched my face for a sign that I was lying. "Okay," she said, finally. "But call if you need me."_

_I looked down at my refilled shot glass as Kory left. "Guess it's just you and me now, buddy."_

"_Maybe I could help," a someone said in my ear and _way_ too close for my liking. "I'm not a doctor, but I have a cure for loneliness."_

_I looked Mr. Sleazy up and down. "I'm not drunk enough," I said to him, giving him a look of complete indifference._

_He chuckled. "I'll come back later, then, baby," he called over his shoulder. I gagged._

_A few shots of tequila later (I _might _have lost count), I saw Kory strut over to the DJ. Gulping down the last of my liquid gold, I staggered across the dance floor towards her, leaning on the occasional dancer for support. She was just such a great friend and I had a sudden urge to tell her how much I loved her._

"_Kooooooooory!" I called. "Koooooooooooooooooory!" _

_Shoot!_ I thought, being pulled from another memory at the realization that Kory was probably worried sick. I spotted my purse on the floor and tugged angrily at the handcuffs. I needed to get my phone so I could call her.

I groaned when the cuffs didn't budge and covered my face with my pillow.

_This was _not_ happening_. Then, I heard a voice from the other room.

"Dude, there's a girl cuffed to your bed!" the unfamiliar voice exclaimed.

"Yeah, I think that's my wife," an all-too-familiar voice replied, triggering another memory. _Elvis was standing in front of us. We were in a chapel, of sorts. _"Is she awake, yet?"

"Yeah," the other voice scoffed. "And she doesn't like the cuffs."

"She didn't mind them last night," Mr. Sleazy said, and I cringed, imagining him winking at his friend.

_Could my life get any worse?_

"Come on, Gar. Let's go see this wife o' mine," Mr. Sleazy suggested.

_I just had to ask_, I thought as I heard footsteps.

_Big_ uh-oh.

* * *

Authors' Note (again)

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** If you are reading this, I guess you enjoyed the story and didn't throw your computer across the room in disgust. (Been there, done that).

**Miss Nunya:** You're so violent! It's inspiring. :)

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Why, thank you. :) Okay, so people: REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW. First five reviewers get a free giraffe!

**Miss Nunya:** *whispering* We don't have any giraffes!

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **I've got connections. ;)

**Miss Nunya:** Really? I want a giraffe!

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **Sweetie, you can't review your own story. Buut, if you behave, maybe Santa will give you one.

**Miss Nunya:** Great. That stupid, fat man _hates _me.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Hmmm, I wonder why. Maybe because of the _fire _incident two Christmases ago…

**Miss Nunya:** I was only trying to install a jet engine to his sled. He should be _thanking _me.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** There are only two reindeer now, thanks to you!

**Miss Nunya:** Well, if Santa ever needs an air head to help float his sled, he can borrow Kitten. Ooo, or maybe I could send him a hot air balloon!

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Yeah… I'm just gonna go now… *walks off shaking head*

**Miss Nunya:** Was it something I said? *shrugs* Go review!


	2. My New Hubby

Authors' Note

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** So, author's note thingamajig... chapter 2... yeah…

**Miss Nunya:** That's how you spell 'thingamajig'! I always wondered about that.

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **Me too! I just sounded it out...

**Miss Nunya:** Oh. They tried to make me do that one time in first grade. *sigh* The nerve of some teachers!

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** How traumatizing...

**Miss Nunya:** School usually is, dear. *shakes head tragically* You know what else is traumatizing? The fact that you're leaving! *wails dramatically* Why don't you just rip out my heart? It'll feel the same! *sobs*

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **It's not like I'm not coming back, darling. I'll be gone for a few days. And when I get back, we'll go see Toy Story 3.

**Miss Nunya:** *wipes eyes and blows nose on Raven's cloak* Well, when you put it like that... Oh, hi, Raven! *smiles*

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **Oooooo, you'd better pay for her dry cleaning... Hi Raven! Hi! You're awesome! I'm a big fan! *stares at Raven cross-eyed with excitement*

**Raven:** Um, hi. And... thanks?

**Miss Nunya:** *looks at Raven with big eyes* Sowee for snotting your cloak, Raven.

**Raven:** *rolls eyes* Forget it. Don't you guys have a job to do?

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Um...Oh, yeah! The author's note for Chapter 2!

**Raven:** *sarcastically* Give the girl a prize.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** I get a prize! Yay! Oh, yeah, so the story... um... hehe.

**Miss Nunya: ***grumbles* How come she gets a prize?

**Raven:** Fine. You two can share Mr. Sleazy.

**Miss Nunya: ***evil laugh* We shall take _good _care of him, Raven.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Speaking of Mr. Sleazy, shouldn't we let the patient readers _read _the story now. Not that it hasn't been awesome talking to you, Raven! Have I mentioned I'm a HUGE fan? * stares*

**Raven:** Uh- huh *looks away awkwardly*

**Miss Nunya:** Right, anyway... We have a duty to our readers!

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Ok! Enjoy the story everyone! And... Raven, will you do the honor?

**Raven:** *nonchalantly* Review, review, review.

_**

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Last Name

_**Chapter Two**_

_**My New Hubby**_

Just in case you forgot, let's recap.

My.

Life.

Sucks.

My husband - that's right, _husband _- walked through the door with his friend as I threw the bed covers over my body.

Mr. Sleazy gave me a perverse look and leaned against the door frame. "Good morning, baby," he greeted.

I raised my eyebrows. _What part of this morning was _good_? _"I want a divorce," I stated.

"Now, babe, that's no way to talk to your new hubby."

With a glare, I sweetened my voice and said "Honeykins, would you do me a favor? Close the curtains, bring me my clothes, find some divorce papers, and get these stinking handcuffs off me!"

"In that order?" he asked slyly. If I wasn't chained to the bed, I would have strangled him.

Luckily for him, his friend stepped in and shut the curtains. As he stood at the window, he turned to face me and smiled. I glared back at him. His smile faded, and I felt a little bad (but only a _little_).

"Do you have keys for these?" I asked, irritably shaking my cuffed wrist.

"Depends," Mr. Sleazy said. "What will you do for them?"

I threw a pillow at his face, nailing him in the nose.

"Nice one," his friend laughed, walking over to the dresser to fetch a tiny silver key.

"Who are you?" I asked. I tried not to sound rude, really, I did, but I was hung over, and annoyed, and, oh, yeah, _married_.

"Gar," he said with a smile as he uncuffed me. "Nice to meet you, _Mrs. Redd."_

"Who?" I asked, confused.

"You do know who you married, don't you?" Gar teased.

"I was drunk!" I protested. Seriously, how else would Mr. Sleazy have gotten me to marry him? "And besides, it's not like we're gonna _stay _ma-ma-"

"Married," Mr. Sleazy finished with a smirk. "But, if you really want a divorce, I guess you can have one." He waggled his eyebrows. "We've already had our honeymoon."

I wrapped the sheet around my body before jumping out of the bed and punching him where it hurt. He hunched over, cradling his junk, while I began beating him over the head with a pillow.

"What's going on here!" I heard someone shout as they pulled me away by the waist.

"Let go of me!" I growled. "I wasn't finished!"

"Hey," he said slowly, letting me go and looking at me closely. "Aren't you Rachel?"

I nodded, wondering how he knew me.

"Kory's been looking for you all night!" he exclaimed.

_Well, that explains it, _I thought, recognizing him as the spiky haired guy Kory went off with. "Where is she?" I asked.

Spiky Haired Guy motioned for me to hold on before grabbing his phone and pressing it to his ear.

"Kor, babe," he greeted. "I found Rachel. No, she's fine. She's in room B101- Yes, of course she's alive! She's-" he looked at my finger. "She's kinda… married." I heard Kory's shouts. "What- No, I just found out- No- I- Are you listening to me?" He shut the phone with a sigh. "She hung up on me."

A few seconds later, I heard someone pounding furiously on the hotel room door. One guess on who it was.

"Open this door, right now!" Kory screamed. "Do you hear me? You've got three seconds or I'm kicking it in! One… Two…"

Spiky Haired Guy sprinted to open the door before Kory karate-kicked it. Unfortunately, he ended up taking that kick himself.

"Oh. Hi, Dick! Sorry about that," Kory said, calmly walking into the room. "Rachel!" she yelled when she spotted me. "I'm so glad you're okay! You are okay, aren't you? Did you get hurt? Do you need me to kill anyone?"

"You can just kick them," Dick groaned from the other room.

"Put some ice on it, sweetheart. You'll be fine," Kory called back before turning to me. "Where are your clothes?"

"There," I said, pointing to the dress on the floor. "And there," I added, pointing to the panties hanging on the dresser.

"I think we left your bra in the other room," Mr. Sleazy interrupted with a smug look. "Hi. I don't think we've met, but I'm Rachel's_ husband_."

Kory turned to him with daggers in her eyes. "Rachel, get the shovel."

"Kory, you're a _lawyer_. Aren't supposed to abide by the law?" I asked.

"There's got to be a loophole around that murder law, somewhere. Especially in the case of this-this-"

"The name's Redd, cutie," introduced Mr. Sleazy. "Xavier Redd."

"Use Bond lines on my girl one more time, X," Dick snarled, walking into the room. "I dare you."

"Relax, kid," Mr. Sleazy replied, waving his ring finger. "I'm a married man."

Gar snorted and I whapped his head. This _so _wasn't funny.

"Not for long, Mr. Redd," Kory said. "I assure you, this marriage won't last more than six weeks."

"Six week!" I gasped.

"That's how long it takes to get an annulment, Rachel, dear," Kory whispered.

"B-b-but…" I whimpered. "I don't wanna be Mrs. Sleazy."

"Oh, honey," Kory cooed. "Please, don't cry. Everything will be fine. If the judge won't grant an annulment, we'll get rid of him the _other _way. I'll take care of the whole thing."

"Um, excuse me. What do you me Mrs. _Sleazy_?" Mr. Sleazy asked. I think the truth insulted him.

"Why don't you go get dressed, Rachel," Kory said turning to Mr. Sleazy with a murderous scowl. "I'll meet you in the lobby as soon as I finish talking with Mr. Redd."

I nodded and gathered my things, whacking Gar upside the head again as I went because he still looked too amused.

Leaving the apartment, I heard Kory tell Mr. Sleazy that if he made this anymore difficult than it had to be, she would tie his balls in a knot and iron them.

I _knew_ there was a reason we were friends…

* * *

Author's Note (again)

**Miss Nunya:** Hi! It's just me this time (heartbreaking, I know). Thanks for reading, though! What did you think? A lot of violence, huh? I sure hope Dick got some ice for his, uh… never mind. ;)

But don't worry, we're far too creative to be limited to junk-punching as torture. We have other ways… *smirks malevolently *

Sorry Missnunyastalkerfan and I haven't replied to any reviews yet. You see, the problem is… the giraffes! They got sent to Madagascar by mistake. Yep. Something about psychotic penguins attacking the ship captain. Anyway, we will reply to all the reviews as soon as we can, honest!

Now, review 'cause Raven said so. Don't make her send you to another dimension.


	3. Say What?

Authors' Note

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Welcome back! I'm so glad you're still reading this! :D

**Miss Nunya:** Me too! *hugs readers*

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Even though some people thought a few of our characters (like Kory) were a _little _psycho. Even though she's not.

**Kory:** Thanks! But I can be a bit psycho in this story.

**Miss Nunya:** *snorts* A bit? Chickadee, you take the Crazy Cake in this story!

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Cake? There's cake? I want cake!

**Kory:** I wish I could share with you, but I was planning on sharing it with Sleazy. After adding antifreeze icing…

**Miss Nunya:** Just don't get caught poisoning him, hun. Wouldn't want another court case on our hands.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** I'll cover for you, Kory! As long as I get to see him die! Muahahaha! Hehe, just kidding readers!

**Miss Nunya:** *whispers to readers* She was totally serious.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Do you want to join the others underneath the school courtyard? Um… I mean… enjoy the story! Don't look at me like that!

**Miss Nunya:** *rolls eyes* I'm going to ignore the fact that you just threatened me with the body hide-out I save for my evil teachers.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** You go right ahead!

**Kory:** Um, maybe I should go now…

**Miss Nunya:** Great, we're so insane that we scared off the psycho.

**Missnunyastalkerfan**: Well, I guess we should let the readers read the story now…

**Miss Nunya:** Yeah, before we scare them off, too. ;)

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Enjoy peoples!

* * *

_**Last Name**_

_**Chapter Three **_

_**Say What?**_

I had changed into more appropriate clothing, jeans and black t-shirt, and reserved a table by the time Kory emerged from the elevator with Dick and Gar. Mr. Sleazy, she informed me, got a call from Daddy so he would be late for breakfast.

"Well, I think _Mr. Redd _has finally seen the light of day," Kory announced as she flopped down at the table. "He agreed to annul your so-called marriage. And, Rachel, _must _you wear black?"

"The last time I wore colors, I woke up _married_," I retorted.

"Good morning," said a girl with blonde hair and big, blue eyes. "My name is Tara and I'll be your waitress for today. Do you know what you'd like to order?"

We finished ordering when Mr. Sleazy came down. "Hey, Rebecca," he greeted.

"It's Rachel!" Kory snapped. "You'll remember that, if you value your pathetic excuse for manhood."

"Is that what Rachel called it?" Mr. Sleazy taunted. "'Cause she was singing a totally different song about my 'manhood'last night."

I didn't pay attention for, just then, our food arrived. I hadn't realized how hungry I was when Kory told me I needed to order more than just herbal tea to absorb the Tequila in my system, but I was starving. And my pancakes looked delicious. So golden and _fluffy_. The sweet aroma of warm syrup made my stomach grumble, and I dug into my plate.

"_Rachel_, you're not a monkey; don't eat like one," Kory sighed, daintily biting her omelet.

I just looked at her. I have _never _seen Kory eat like that. Then, I realized that she was trying to look good in front of Dick, who was, at that very moment, cutting his French toast with a knife and fork. _Who does that?_

"Relax," Gar said. "Just because Dick eats like a debutante doesn't mean we all have to."

I heard a giggle and looked up to see Tara standing behind Gar with a receipt.

"See," Gar bragged to Dick. "She thinks I'm funny."

"Statistically, I suppose _someone _has to," I retorted, while glaring at Tara. I hated when waitresses brought the check before I finished eating. It made me feel rushed.

Tara winked at Gar. "Enjoy the rest of your meal," she chirped, setting the receipt down in front of him and walking away.

On the piece of paper was her phone number and a message that said 'Call me, green eyes! -xoxo'

_Oh, she _so _isn't getting a tip._

Gar stared at the paper. "Does she mean me?"

"Well, I'm hoping she doesn't mean Kory," Dick joked.

"Don't worry," Kory simpered. "She wasn't my type."

I rolled my eyes.

"So," Mr. Sleazy began, trying to ease his arm around my waist. "About the whole _annulment _thing."

"What about it?" I demanded, elbowing him hard in the ribs.

"I was thinking that we should try marriage counseling," he replied calmly.

"What?" Kory and I yelled together. The whole restaurant turned and looked at us.

"Well, I think we were destined to meet by the fates," Mr. Sleazy lied. "Maybe we were meant to be together, but we just don't know it yet."

I replied to that comment with a few unkind phrases.

"Um, dude," Gar said. "Did you hit your head or something?"

"No," Mr. Sleazy laughed. "I just-" he glanced around, "I _have to go to the bathroom._"

Could he have been any _more _obvious? I waited until he and Gar had left before throwing Kory a look and sneaking behind them. It's a good thing they didn't _actually_ go into the restroom.

"So, what's wrong with you?" Gar demanded once they were in the hallway leading to the boy's room. I hid around the corner.

"My dad called," Mr. Sleazy whispered. "He found out I got hitched somehow and told me I better not get any _bad _publicity. Otherwise, I can kiss the multi-billion dollar company goodbye."

"That's… harsh," Gar replied, obviously uncaring.

"Yeah, I know," Mr. Sleazy sighed. "So, I guess I have to stay married to the Ugly Duckling and turn her into a socialite, somehow."

It took _all_ of my self control not to burst in right then and beat the crap out of him.

"Well, I wouldn't exactly call her _ugly_," Gar argued. "I mean, she's kinda cute."

_Kinda? I was _extremely _attractive, thank you very much!_

"If you say so," Mr. Sleazy snorted. "Well, I guess I'll have to take her along to New York-" _Say what? _"And introduce her to the folks. Then, once the company is secured, I can get rid of her."

I couldn't take anymore. I rushed back to the table to tell Kory everything.

"I'm going to kick his corporate butt!" Kory seethed. "Don't worry. We'll have your marriage terminated one way or another."

* * *

Authors' Note (again)

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **Okay. So if you are reading this, you have read Chapter 3! Yay! *pauses* Or you skipped ahead to read this… Bad readers! Bad! Go read the chapter!

**Miss Nunya: **Actually, I think it's sweet that they would like our psycho-babble enough to skip the chapter. :D

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Babble? Babble! You call this babble? Hehe can't really argue with that…

**Miss Nunya:** Don't forget the 'psycho' part!

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** I'm not even going to _try _to argue with that part. Maybe we should have the Crazy Cake… Where is it?

**Mr. Sleazy:** *in the background* Ooo, cake! With yummy icing!

**Kory:** Muahahaha!

**Miss Nunya:** Uh, maybe Kory can keep the Crazy Cake…

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Well, so much for Chapter 4...


	4. No Such Thing

Authors' Note

**Miss Nunya:** Hey, guys! Hope we didn't scare you with that 'no chapter 4' comment. We were totally kidding.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Sorry… It was our belated April Fools thingamajig. Speaking of April Fools, wouldn't it be terrible to be born on April Fools?

**Miss** **Nunya:** That would suck. I'd have been like 'Mom, you couldn't have kept your legs together a _little _longer?'

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Uhh… well readers, now you know who writes the perverted stuff in the story!

**Miss Nunya:** Didn't I already confess to that in Chapter 1?

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Well I'm reiterating it! Ha! I have to learn dumb SAT words, so I might as well use them!

**Miss Nunya:** Nice. It's good to know that they aren't improving our vernacular for nothing.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Yup. It's like I say: supercalifragilistic expialidocious (no space). It's not SAT, but it's still long and awesome!

**Miss Nunya:** I applaud your spelling skills. I never got past the 'supercalifrag' part.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** It helps when a bunch of choir kids run around singing "s-u-p-e-r-c-a-l" yeah…

**Miss Nunya:** True - or it was back in our day. Nowadays, kids go around singing Tik Tok by Ke$ha.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Ah yes, a song that didn't use spell check…

**Miss Nunya:** Naw, that's just how gangstas write. ;)

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** No way! That's how my four year old niece writes too! Well, if she could write, that's how she would…

**Miss Nunya:** Haha, that's sad.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Yeah… well, I suppose the readers want to read the story now…

**Miss Nunya:** Oh, yeah… Lets get to that, then. And sorry for the short chapters. We hardly ever get the chance to write together…

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Enjoy!

* * *

_**Last Name**_

_**Chapter Four**_

_**No Such Thing**_

Kicking corporate butt wasn't as easy as we would have hoped; especially when Mr. Sleazy opened up his speech by dramatically declaring, "I feel a special connection with… her. I would _love _to try to make this marriage work, and I am morethan willing to try counseling." _Jerk. _

Judge Beecher wasn't much help either.

"I am _sick_ of people marrying intoxicated," she vented. "_Then _filing for annulment. Do you know how much paper work that is? Guess who has to do all that paper work! Guess! Just guess!"

"And I thought _you _needed a vacation," Kory muttered. "Judge Beecher, we have reason to believe that _Mr. Redd_ might have ulterior motives for marrying Rachel."

"Your Honor," Mr. Sleazy protested immediately. "I am merely a pawn of Destiny. And I believe Destiny brought us together for a reason."

"Is that _really _the best response you could come up with?" Judge Beecher asked incredulously. "Okay, you know what? Fine! He thinks this marriage can work! I _won't _annul this marriage-"

"But-" I objected.

"Until we have an official hearing in six weeks," Judge Beecher finished. "You will have to attend counseling sessions so you don't kill each other. Now, please leave so I can go to lunch."

We filed out of the room, Kory and I crestfallen, Mr. Sleazy ecstatic.

"So, babe, I'll expect you at my house this weekend," he said with a wink. "We can do marriage counseling in New York. And I can't _wait _to show you my master bedroom."

"Oh, we are _not _staying in the same room!" I declared.

"Don't you _want _this marriage to work?" Mr. Sleazy smirked. "Besides, I wouldn't mind having you in my bedroom."

"You had better watch it before I decide to sneak into your room late at night and neuter you," I warned.

"Oh, I'm sorry; I stopped listening after 'sneak into your room late at night.'"

I told him exactly where he could put those snide comments, and he just laughed and patted me on the cheek. I almost bit him.

"See you on Saturday," he said, mockingly blowing a kiss.

He strutted out of the court house and I had the sudden urge to throw a chair at him.

"What happens if I don't show up?" I asked.

"He'll tell the judge you aren't trying and she'll probably keep pushing back the hearing," Kory replied honestly. I sighed. "C'mon Rae, I'll buy you some lunch."

We walked across the street to Olive Garden.

"I'm thinking of getting the Fettuccini Alfredo," Kory mused, scanning the menu. "What do you want?"

"A divorce," I muttered unhappily.

"Aw, cheer up," Kory comforted. "We'll get you a divorce. For now, have some wine."

"Oh, no. I'm _never _drinking again."

I checked my phone and saw that Vic, an old friend of mine, left me a message on Facebook.

_Hey Rachel! How's Vegas? Bring back a souvenir!_

I typed back:

_Vegas sucks. How's a husband for a souvenir? Justice? Ha! No such thing! _

Immediately my phone buzzed. That Facebook addict probably already got the message.

"You're married?" he screamed. I had to hold the phone away from my ear. "How did you…? I mean why did you…? You're married?"

"To the sleaziest man in the world," I replied dejectedly, putting the phone back to my ear. "And he wants me to move to _New York _with him."

"What about a divorce?" he demanded.

"Been there; tried that," I answered. "The judge will hear our case in _six weeks_."

"That's it! I'm coming to save you!"

_I love my friends._

"_Rae," _Kory interrupted. "The waitress asked you a question."

"What?" I asked. "Oh, um, gotta go Vic." I hung up my phone. "I'll have the Minestrone soup."

"That's great," the waitress responded. "But what do you want to _drink_?"

"Water." _I couldn't get drunk off of that.  
_

"Okey-dokey. I'll be right back with your drinks."

"So what will I do?" I wondered aloud, placing my head in my hands. "My whole _life _is in Jump City. What will I do about my job? My house?"

"Rachel, you're a _writer_," Kory explained patiently. "You can still write in New York. And you'll just be there for a few weeks, until we can get this annulment finalized."

"What about my clothes?" I asked miserably. "Do you know how much it will cost to get _all _my clothes here?"

"Sweetheart, you're married," Kory replied evilly. "_His_ money is now _your_ money. And New York has some nice, _expensive _stores."

I grinned at her. "You know, I wouldn't want to embarrass my husband in front of his friends, so I'd better get some nice clothes, from only the _best _stores. Can't be seen looking like an, what did he call it? _Ugly Duckling_."

"Now, you're getting it," Kory laughed. "Don't forget to accessorize! I'm thinking diamonds. Lots and lots of diamonds!"

_Have I mentioned that I _love_ my friends?_

* * *

Authors' Note (again)

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Well, as you can see, Mr. Sleazy is _still _alive… for now… Muahahaha!

**Miss Nunya:** Hehe, you're so _evil_! :D

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Awww, thank you! You are so nice! You always know what to say to make me feel special :D

**Miss Nunya:** *bats eyelashes* I just state the obvious. :)

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** You are sooooo sweet! Oopsies, guess what we forgot to do the last couple of chapters?

**Miss Nunya:** The giraffes?

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Hehe, those are still in Madagascar. But we forgot to remind the readers to REVIEW!

**Miss Nunya:** *gasp* Oh, no! That's terrible! What kind of authors are we?

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Terrible ones! I'm so depressed! I'm never writing again! *runs off crying*

**Miss Nunya:** Dun, dun, Duuuuun!


	5. I 3 New York

Authors' Note

**Miss Nunya:** Thank you to all of the reviewers. Your love has brought Missnunyastalkerfan back to us! :D

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** *sniff* Maybe I overreacted a teensy bit…

**Gar:** A teensy bit? A _teensy bit_? No, you _seriously_ overreacted! If you had stayed gone, I would never be able to get with Rachel!

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Shhhhhhhh! Don't spoil it, or I'll set the rhinos after you!

**Miss Nunya:** When the heck did we get rhinos?

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Last night. I, uh, have some connections…

**Miss Nunya:** Well, tell your connections that I want a monkey. I always ask my mom for one, but she says that's what my brother is for.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** You want a monkey? Okay. Miss Nunya, meet Gar. :P

**Gar:** Hey!

**Miss Nunya:** Oh, goody! Thank you, Missnunyastalkerfan! I will love him, and squeeze him, and call him… Beast Boy!

**Gar:** *sarcastically* That's original…

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **Well then, why don't we call you… Percival?

**Gar: **Beast Boy is great! I love Beast Boy!

**Miss Nunya:** I can't believe you used sarcasm, Gar. Rachel must be rubbing off on you…

**Gar:** Yeah, she's great… Don't tell her I said that.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** You can trust me… Oh, Rachel!

**Gar:** Um, on with the story! *at Missnunyastalkerfan* I hate you.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Why, Gar, I do believe that is the nicest thing you have _ever _said to me!

**Miss Nunya:** *starts singing* Can you feel the love, tonight…

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Umm… enjoy the story readers!

* * *

_**Last Name**_

_**Chapter Five **_

_**I 3 NY!**_

I arrived at two in the afternoon to the city that some call the Big Apple, but that I lovingly dubbed "Tartarus." Only Mr. Sleazy would be Hades, and that would make me Persephone. Hmmm… maybe I should reconsider. There was _no _way I would be forced to live forever with that creep.

But we're getting off subject here.

Kory and I scanned the airport. The flight from Jump City landed on time, and the passengers were just getting off the plane.

"RACHEL! KORY!" I heard a shout and, the next thing I knew, I was pulled into a suffocating bear hug.

"Hi, Vic," we wheezed. "Can't… breathe."

"Sorry." He dropped us. (Did I mention that he lifted us about two feet in the air when he "hugged" us?)

"How was your flight?" I asked politely.

"Awful! The seats were too small and don't even get me started on the _food_! I can't believe they called the tiny piece of leather 'steak'! I can't wait to find a decent steakhouse!" he exclaimed. "What about you? How was your flight?"

"Some _cute _little girl dressed in a princess costume decided it would be funny to throw her peanuts at me," Kory sniffed. "Just 'cause 'targets are red and so is my head.' So now, I have peanuts stuck in my hair!"

"I thought you were just going for a new look," Vick replied with a straight face. "I can see it now: 'food fashions sweep the nation.'"

"Hmph!" Kory huffed. "Hey, I think it's that girl again! I am _so _gonna tell her parents on her!" She rushed off to the baggage claim.

"Way to be the bigger person!" I called. "_Very _mature!"

"So, Rae," Vic interrupted, suddenly growing serious. "What unlucky man do I need to pummel?"

Right then, Gar hurried over, calling my name. Vic stepped in front of him and cracked his knuckles menacingly.

"Are you the perv who married my little sister?" he demanded.

"Who wants to know?" he asked cheekily.

"I'm gonna rip you limb from limb!" Vic threatened, lunging towards Gar. I jumped in between them.

"That sounds _very _messy," Gar commented.

Vic growled. "You're dead meat!"

"Nooo," Gar said, waggling his finger. "I'm a vegetarian. So I could be dead radish or maybe dead arugula…"

"What the heck is arugula? You know what? It doesn't matter. I'm still kicking your-"

"Vic, that's not him!" I shouted, practically throwing all of my weight on him to keep him from killing Gar.

"Oh, that's not Sleazy?" he asked.

"Well, that depends on who you ask," Gar said slyly. "I think Gabby from college called me Sleazy once. I told her it was a dare. Some chicks just don't listen."

"Shut up!" I snapped.

Just then, a security officer came over.

"Oh no, it's the po-po!" Gar exclaimed.

"Excuse me, but can you _lower _your voice or take it _outside_?" he asked, making large hand motions, like we were deaf or he was trying to be a flight attendant.

"I would _love _to," Gar replied, making his hands shape into a heart. "But I _can't._" He imitated breaking his heart.

I turned to finish what Vic had started, when Kory showed up; a sweet, innocent smile on her face.

"Is there a problem, _officer_?" Kory crooned, batting her eyelashes.

"N-n-no, ma'am. Of course, not."

Kory giggled. "No need to call me ma'am, _officer_. But feel free to call me. I just _love_ a man in uniform."

I watched as Kory took the security guard's hand and slowly wrote a phone number, occasionally smiling up at him.

"Call me anytime," she purred.

He nodded, awestruck, and walked away.

"I wonder what Dick will say when he finds out," I said with an evil smile.

"Don't worry," she retorted. "I gave him _your_ number."

"What?"

"Oh, like you're _happily _married!" she exclaimed.

_Eh, can't argue with that._

"Well, Kory and I gotta go catch a cab. We'll see you later," Vic said.

"I can't wait to see _your _new house," Kory added with a wink.

I waved goodbye to her… with one finger.

"Come on," Gar laughed. "You've got a city to see."

* * *

Authors' Note (again)

**Miss Nunya:** Great news! The giraffes are here!

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** I called in some favors… *polishes nails on shirt*

**Miss Nunya:** Isn't she amazing? ;D Anyway, we have enough for everyone, now!

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** And they are so adorable! Their names are Jeffrey, Carmina, Brianna, Pucker, Little Foot-

**Miss Nunya:** We can't name all those giraffes! How about this: To get your giraffe copy and paste this to your profile:

**c0^  
****[]  
****[]  
****[]  
****[GG]\  
**(Insert Giraffe's Name Here)  
Compliments of Miss Nunya and Missnunyastalkerfan, coauthors of _Last Name_.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Aren't they _adorable_?

**Miss Nunya:** So cute! Worth the wait, I hope. Don't forget to review!

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** We caught the rascal penguins that took over the ship and delayed the giraffe shipment, so the first _ten_ reviewers get a PENGUIN!


	6. No, I Didn't Kill Him

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** I know you probably want to kill us, but we can explain! You see evil chipmunks (not at all related to the adorable Alvin, Theodore, or Simon) attacked us! And, and-

**Miss Nunya:** And we barely escaped with our lives!

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **If it wasn't for the cat who chased them away, these evil chipmunks would still be torturing us! So, we're just lucky that we escaped. Please don't kill us!

**Miss Nunya:** Yeah. We're even prepared to bargain for our lives. New chapter in exchange for mercy?

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **And the promised penguins! It took a while to catch these rascals… ever been slapped by a penguin while you're trying to catch it? Not fun...

**Miss Nunya:** Aang made penguin sledding look so easy on Avatar. :(

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **But we finally caught some for the reviewers (who probably want us dead by now)! So enjoy the next chapter and…Miss Nunya, would you like the honor?

**Miss Nunya: **Review, darlings! Or else… Lol, just kidding!

* * *

Under normal circumstances, the stone townhouse could be thought of as attractive. But to me, it just looked like an ornate prison. Gar opened the car door for me as I gaped up.

"Home sweet home," he grinned sarcastically. "Um…you can get out now." I sat frozen in the passenger's seat. "Before Christmas."

"Make me."

I almost felt like sticking my tongue out at him, but I settled for a defiant stare. His fingers tapped the door as he tried to win this face-off.

"Fine. Whatever," he gave in, walking away. "I'll just throw your crap inside."

He stomped over to the trunk and began-literally-tossing my suitcases towards the door. I could see him eying me, half-hoping I'd jump out to save my beat up luggage. _Not happening._ He slammed the trunk closed and I could feel his frustration as the car bobbed.

"You know, taking care of a prima donna was never in the-ah!" I saw Gar slide off the curb and fly through the air like a rag doll.

"Gar?" _He's faking, he's _so _faking_. "Gar?"

I could see his motionless body in the side mirror. _Crap. There goes my ride back to the airport._ I jumped out of the car, letting the door slam shut, and rushed to him.

"Gar? Are you okay?"

"Rachel…I see…a… bright… light," he groaned. "Must…go…into…light." He coughed and I could see a spark in his eye. _Oh, he did not just–_

The doors to the car locked shut behind me and the alarm beeped on.

–_lock me out to the car._

"Right. So, would you like the tour?" Gar said, standing up and dusting off his pants. "Or you want to wait out here 'til your hubby comes home?"

I reluctantly followed him into the house. Polished floors and ornate furniture met my wide eyes. This guy was loaded.

"So, yeah, this is obviously the entry," he said. "It's the…entrance of the house. And that's the hallway. It…connects the entry to the dining room."

"Wow, have you given tours before?" I asked sarcastically. "You're a natural."

Two uniformed men slid between us and trotted up the stairs with my suitcases, disappearing around the corner. _Where are they going with my stuff?_ I sounded like a horse galloping as I clattered up the slippery wooden stairs.

The second floor looked just like the first: big and gaudy. I could tell no woman lived here; it _reeked _of tacky bachelor pad style. Especially the master bedroom, the room where my bags were dropped.

_Seriously? A water bed?_ This divorce had better happen soon, or I'd be a jailed widow. I heard Gar lean against the doorway.

"There is _no _way I'm staying in here with him," I asserted.

"Well, he gave strict orders for you to stay in this room," he said. "And, even though the staff hates him, they won't disobey his orders."

"Fine." I paused, an idea quickly forming in my head as I turned to one of the uniformed men. "Excuse me, sir, but would you kindly place Mr. Redd's things into the guest bedroom" -He _had _to have a spare room somewhere- "and install some locks on this door. He won't be needing a key."

I could see the guy smirk as he nodded and grabbed an armful of suits. Gar raised an eyebrow, trying to contain the smile spreading across his face.

"Raven!" I heard Sleazy shout from downstairs. "Raquel? R-r-r… Honey, I'm home!"

I smirked at the fancy lock my new pal Frank had put in. The staff and I were becoming such fast friends. "In the bedroom, Sleazy," I called from my spot on the bed as I flipped the page of my new novel.

The doorknob jiggled. "Uh, sweetcheeks, I think the door is locked."

"Of course it's locked. This is my room, after all. You didn't even knock."

There was a loud thump outside the door. "Rachel," his voice warned.

"Oh-ho, you got my name right. Someone should check for the Apocalypse." I was having more fun here than I thought I would.

"Let me in, babe, I gotta talk to you."

"Start talking." I couldn't resist grinning as his frustration radiated through the door. By this time, I had to muffle my laugh with a fluffy pillow.

"Gar! Come deal with Rhonda!" I could hear Sleazy stomp down the stairs. "I'm calling my dad. There is _no _way I can live with this shrew!"

"Thought I was an ugly duckling!" I sing-songed. His footsteps stopped. "Good luck holding onto Daddy's fortune!" I knew that ticking him off wasn't the best idea in the world, but rubbing that in his face was just too much to resist.

"Rachel," I heard Gar murmur, tapping on the door. "Let me in… or I'll huff and I'll puff…"

I slid off the bed – or rolled off as the water bed lurched to and fro – and swung open the door, letting him slip in before locking the door once more.

"Finally putting all that hot air to use?" I said.

"So you know about the…dilemma?" he asked, but I didn't have to respond. "On the bright side, then you know what to do."

"Which is what exactly?"

"Well, if you want the money, be nice to the in-laws." I arched an eyebrow. "If you want to get rid of him, make sure his dad doesn't like you."

"But I'm just naturally likeable," I retorted sarcastically. "So when do I meet Mommy and Daddy Warbucks?"

Gar attempted to sit at the edge of the bed, but slid off and crashed to the floor as the bed rolled. I couldn't keep a straight face.

"Honeykins!" Sleazy called, his voice sounding dejected. Obviously, daddy dearest hadn't approved of our annulment yet. "What do you say to brunch tomorrow to meet your new parents?" It sounded like I was just adopted... into the Partridge family.

"I say have fun!" I replied. "I'll be right here."

"Will you get out of my room?" he cried, and I swore I heard him stomp his foot.

"You're the one who _wanted _me in this room."

"Fine! Stay in there then!" he shouted. "But you won't get a single _crumb _until you get rid of this stupid lock!"

Something told me that his threat would not be fulfilled. After all, the staff, who had a copy of the key, would probably _love _to smuggle me some food.

I walked back to the bed and crawled to my book, opening it to the page I'd left off on.

"Wait," Gar said. "You aren't throwing me out…" He placed a warm hand to my forehead. "No fever. What's the capital of Miami?"

"That's a city, you idiot," I said, slapping his hand away.

He shrugged. "I always did hate geography."

"Is _hate _another word for _sucked miserably at_?"

"Ha ha."

He tried to balance on the bed, and I tried to pay attention to the words on the pages as the book moved with the bed. One day, I would find the idiot that invented the water bed and drown him. Seriously, who'd want sea sickness as a side effect to sleeping?

Sleazy eventually stomped away from the door, either to go pout or to find a chainsaw. I hoped it was the chainsaw (I swear, officer, he _tripped_ while holding that chain saw. No, I didn't kill him. He just…kept falling into it.).

"You know you have to be on your best behavior tomorrow," Gar interrupted my reading. I gave him a questioning look. "You'll want to make a good first impression on the therapist." Ah yes, Sleazy's million dollar Dr. Phil wannabe.

"I'll be sitting next to Sleazy," I retorted. "I'll look like a _saint._"

He laughed. "_Sure_."

I popped him upside the head.

* * *

**Miss Nunya: **Ooo, therapy next chapter! Sounds like fun!

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **Poor Rae, I escaped-I mean _stopped- _therapy a long time ago. And I'm fine! Just…don't ask the voices in my head. They say I'm crazy. Psssh…

**Miss Nunya: **Really? My voices think we're perfectly sane. And that our Beta-darling Tari Silmarwen is _awesome_!

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **Wow, for once in our life, our voices actually agree on something!

**Miss Nunya: **When do they disagree, oh telepathy twin of mine? ;) Anyway, guess what we have for the first 10 reviewers this time.

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **Purple hippopotamus? Orange sea lion? Rainbow platypus? Ummmm….

**Miss Nunya: **Well, I was gonna say that the cat that caught the evil chipmunks had kittens, but that sounds really lame now…

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **Cats are _so _much better than the others! Like the rainbow platypus…isn't even a secret agent or anything. Apparently making it watch hours of Phineas and Ferb doesn't inspire it to become Perry. *pouts*

**Miss Nunya:** *raises hand* Oh! Oh! I'll gladly watch hours of Phineas and Ferb in its place! Maybe I can become Perry. He's so cool.

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **Yay! Now we have it all figured out. While Miss Nunya and I watch cartoons, the cat will wait for the first 10 reviewers. So, ready, set, *dramatic pause*

**Miss Nunya: ***whispers* You're supposed to go review now.

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **Go revi- wait, did we already cover this?

**Miss Nunya:** That's what I used to ask my teachers when they gave me pop quizzes. Lol, talk to you guys soon!


	7. Excuse Me?

**Miss Nunya:** I bet you guys all checked your calendars. No, it hasn't been bazillion years. We're *gasp* updating in under a year!

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **The world is ending! The sky is falling! It's the Apocalypse! Stay away from the light! *pauses* hehe am I overreacting?

**Miss Nunya: **Nope. I think that's about right. We should be careful, though. Wouldn't want our readers having a heart attack or something.

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **True. I think they'd die of shock if we started posting a billion chapters in a month. *winks* should we stop for a while then?

**Miss Nunya: **Hm… How 'bout you guys tell us in a review? You know, after you read the chapter.

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **So review, review, review! And… oh yeah, REVIEW!

Looking at our new "therapist," it wasn't hard to see why my hubby wanted sessions with this doctor. I doubted Miss Malibu Barbie could even spell Ph. D, let alone obtain it. But at eleven o'clock on Monday, we sat on the overly soft, pink couch, while Dr. Barbie smiled charmingly at us. Needless to say, I wanted to strangle her.

"Do we have any questions before we begin?" she asked, crossing and uncrossing her legs, no doubt hypnotizing Sleazy's wandering eyes.

_Could that skirt be any shorter? _I thought, shaking my head politely. Sleazy took this opportunity to speak up.

"I would just like to thank you for seeing us at such a short notice," he almost purred. "We're just recently married and having some…well… problems."

"I see." She scribbled on her pad, and I wouldn't be surprised if she was just drawing hearts and Mrs. Brad Pitt, Mrs. Justin Bieber, etc. "Please explain."

"Well, for starters, she locked me out of our own bedroom. I think she's still overwhelmed with this marriage." His voice became lower, as if whispering would help. I was a foot away from the jerk. "She started accusing me of wanting to keep our marriage together for _money_." _I'm gonna kill him._

"Mrs. Redd, is this how you feel?"

"Well, I–"

"Yes, I see." She added a few more doodles to her notes. "Did you ever stop to think that locking your husband out of the bedroom is keeping you from resolving your differences?"

I arched a brow. "Excuse me?"

Sleazy reached over to pat my hand and it took all my will power not to break his. "Not now, Ruth dear. Please continue, Dr. Moth."

"Are you trying to say this is my fault?" I interrupted.

She smiled innocently. "No, of course not, Mrs. Redd. However, if you're feeling guilty…"

_Don't get mad. Don't get mad. Don't get mad. _"I'm not," I said sweetly. "You were saying?"

"That vapid, evil, manipulative, presumptuous _cow_," Kory exclaimed. She shoved a fry into her mouth. "What did you say her name was?"

"Dr. Barbie," Dick said, taking a sip of coke from his straw.

"Also known as Dr. Kitten Moth," Gar said from beside me.

Dick spewed soda across the table.

"Friend of yours?" I asked wryly.

"Um…"

Gar smiled. "Ex-girlfriend." Dick glared at him.

"Well, that settles it," Kory said. "Obviously, now I have to kill her."_Obviously._ She picked up her purse and scooted out of the booth. "I'll call you, Rachel."

"Not from jail, I hope," I muttered as Dick shot one last look at Gar and went after Kory.

I finished off the last of my burger and grabbed my jacket. "See ya," I said, giving Gar a halfhearted wave.

"You don't think you're going home, do you?" he asked with a smirk.

"If by _home_ you mean that prison I'm being forced to live in against my will, then yes."

"No you're not," he said matter-of-factly.

I glared at him. "And why is that?"

He folded his arms behind his head and put his feet up on the seat across from him before answering. "X wants me to keep you out of the house while he tries to break into the bedroom."

"_Really_?" I asked, trying not to show my excitement. There was a reason Vic hadn't joined us for lunch.

"So, Mrs. _Sleazy_," Gar began, trying to contain his sarcastic grin. "Ready to see the Big Apple?"

"Whywould I want to see the city that's imprisoning me?" I demanded. "It appeals to me about as much as an iron fence."

Gar slowly rose and stretched his arms with a yawn. He walked past me, blocking my way to the door.

"Rachel Marie Redd–"

"That's not my middle name."

"You can insult Redd, you can insult me, but you can_not _insult my city," Gar continued, extending a hand dramatically.

"_Your_ city?" I repeated, throwing a tip on the table. "I didn't realize you owned New York."

"Neither does New York," he quipped, polishing his nails on his shirt. "But what they don't know, won't kill them."

I arched an eyebrow, the thought of touring a city with this moron not as appealing as a good book and watching Vic kick Sleazy's butt if he succeeds in breaking into my room.

_Let's see, watch Sleazy get what's coming to him or tour the overrated city of pollutants and a McDonald's at every corner. _

"C'mon, Rachel. Let me show you the _real _New York." Gar's hand was still extending to me. _Someone's been watching too many chick flicks._

I sighed. "Why not?"

**Miss Nunya: **So in the next chapter, they go to this Italian restaurant and Gar nudges meatballs at Rachel with his nose and– Oh, wait… Gar doesn't eat meatballs… Aw, man.

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **He'll eat some arugula salad while Rachel posts a video of Vic beating up Sleazy to YouTube…

**Miss Nunya: **Forget YouTube. We should sell tickets!

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **I'd buy 'em! Actually, I think everyone would _love _to watch that…

**Miss Nunya: ***sighs* I guess everyone will just have to settle with reading it. It's bound to happen sooner or later in this story. Sleazy's got it coming.

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **Yes, and it's _long _overdue… oh well, stay tuned readers- and hopefully reviewers!- to see how Sleazy will die- I mean how the story will continue…

**Miss Nunya: **First 10 reviewers get the evil chipmunks from last chapter. We've finally finished teaching them a lesson. ;)

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **And now that their brains have been fried by the even evil-er Calculus, they're a little nicer…


	8. Gar and Other Animals

**The following is an authors' note. Feel free to skip to the page break if that bothers you. We'll understand.**

**Miss Nunya: **So… About those chipmunks…

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **They're evil. You see, using their knowledge of calculus that we brainwashed them with, they calculated their needed velocity and acceleration to outrun us…

**Miss Nunya: **Oh, so that's how they did it. That calculus stuff. Figures. You can't beat evil with evil. *Sailor Moon voice* You need loooove and justice!

**Missnunyastalkerfan**: And a greater speed to catch them.

**Miss Nunya: ***sighs* Yeah. Me no do running.

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** Me either. Explains why they escaped…

**Miss Nunya: **Yeppers. Sorry about that guys. But we do have a chapter for you!

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **Sowee about the delay, but we actually have a legit reason for not posting! I had pneumonia! But I'm better (or this is just my ghost writing).

**Miss Nunya: **Nope, it's definitely you. Ghosts can't type. I think…

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **Okay, so since I'm definitely me, I get to say REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW!

* * *

"_Wow_." I stood transfixed before the most amazing paintings I had ever seen.

_Not even Sleazy could ruin this mo– wait, scratch that._

What surprised me was how quiet Gar was as I mutely traveled through the Metropolitan Museum of Art, my breath snatched away at every artifact. Art from North India, Asia, Native Americans, 9/11… Almost every piece of art imaginable. I had died and gone to art heaven.

"Maybe New York isn't all _that _bad," I admitted, as I realized I'd finally seen all the art in this sanctuary.

"What?" Gar gasped. "Do mine ears deceive me?"

"Don't make me chop _thine _ears off," I retorted, giving him a light push.

I tried to look serious, but my stern eyes faded as they met his. It could be the dim lighting and the fact that this was the best mood I'd been in since I became Mrs. Sleazy, but my hatred – or annoyance – for Gar was disappearing.

He held the door open for me as we wandered outside. The sun was still in the sky, surprisingly. It had only taken me about two hours to hungrily drink in the entire museum.

"Well, Miss Rachel," Gar said, refraining from using my – shudder – last name for fear of being punched again like in the African Art gallery. "The day is still relatively young. Shall we continue on Gar's Amazing Tour of New York?"

"Where to next?"

"This has got to be the best place in New York," I said, laughing as Gar wiped llama spit from his face.

"Normally, I'd agree with you." He fake-sobbed, wiping an imaginary tear from his eye. "I used to think this guy and I were so close."

"Do you two need a minute?" I asked, rolling my eyes.

"No. I think our relationship should just end here. Let's go, Rachel." He sent a glare towards the llama and draped an arm over my shoulders to lead me away.

"Are you using me to make a _llama_ jealous?" I said, incredulously.

He waggled his eyebrows. "Do you think it's working?"

"N–" Spit flew through the air and splattered not three feet from Gar's head. I stared at it in disbelief.

Gar laughed. "Believe it or not, I'm actually quite the catch." He winked (a move that would have made me vomit on the spot had Sleazy tried it) and started out of the barn area.

I followed up the stairs behind him. "Whatever."

"Ooo," he said, glancing at his watch. "The zoo is closing soon and you _have_ to feed the sea lions."

"I'm not feeding the sea lions."

"You can have our fish, lady," a little girl with blond pigtails said as she held up a paper tray. "My brothers are too scared to feed the sea lions." Behind her, one boy whimpered into a blanket while the other eyed the tray of fish with big, hungry eyes.

"That's alright," I said. "We won't be–"

"Great! We'll take them." He handed the girl a ten. "You should get that guy something to eat."

She smiled up at him, a gap where her front tooth should be. "Thanks, mister!"

Gar turned to me expectantly, a tray of smelly aquatic carcasses held out. _Now _what _was I supposed to do with those?_

"Fine," I grumbled, holding a fish up apprehensively. "How hard can it be?"

"Feed Stella," Gar insisted, dragging me to an oversized mound of blubber. I raised an eyebrow.

"Another girlfriend?" I teased.

I quickly tossed the fish to the sea lion, standing about ten feet from it. I knew my athletic ability was bad, but I didn't realize how bad I really was until the fish flew out of my hand and smacked poor Stella on the head. I don't know what was louder: Gar's laughter or Stella's indignant bark at me.

"Oops."

"Finally!" Gar exclaimed, his cackles wearing off. "The perfect Rachel has a _flaw._ Well, other than marrying Redd." I grabbed another fish. "Try not to hit another sea li– Ouch! Did you just _smack _me with a fish?"

"You deserved it."

_Concentrate. Concentrate. _I felt like I was in the Olympics, one shot between me and the gold medal.

"You're holding it wrong." _There's a right way to hold a dead fish when tossing it to a sea lion?_ "Here."

His right hand gently took mine, using his left to adjust my grip on the dead fish. He was right behind me now, his face only inches away from mine. _I had better not be blushing_.

"Place your forefinger here, and your thumb there," he instructed softly. "Take a deep breath."

"All this just to throw a _fish,_" I whispered, only a trace of sarcasm in my voice.

"Shut up and throw it," he retorted softly, his hand pulling mine into an arch, and releasing it forward. Stella caught this one in her mouth.

"Oh my–" I almost exclaimed, turning to him with a grin. "I did it!"

He smiled, and I noticed – for the first time – how his bright smile carried into his deep eyes. He was still so close to me, and time stopped for a second as neither one of us looked away.

"Attention guests," a robotic voice droned over the speakers and I practically jumped away from him. "The Prospect Park Zoo is closing. If you could please make your way to the exit now. Have a great day."

The sun was setting, but despite spending all morning with Sleazy and that sorry excuse for a counselor, the day felt young. Gar still held his smile as he led me through the mass of people migrating to the exit.

_No, no. no. _my brain insisted. _You are already unhappily married. Don't even _think _about falling for Sleazy's best friend._

"So," I said slowly as we filed out of the zoo. "What's the next stop on this Amazing Tour?"

"Food. I don't know about you, but I could eat my weight in tofu waffles right about now."

"Pass," I said. "I don't do tofu."

"Aw, come on," Gar said as he went to hail us a cab. "Have I been wrong about anything yet? You can try mine before you order."

"Fine," I droned. "But I already know I won't like them."

"You can just think of tofu waffles the way you thought of me." He smiled, and his tone softened with his eyes."I didn't turn out so bad, right?" I had the strange feeling that this question asked a lot more than if I would try tofu.

At that moment, my phone rang and I practically ripped it out of my pocket. "Hello?"

"Hey," Kory said. "I'm heading over to Sleazy's with pizza. Vic says he's almost got the door open."

I looked up at Gar. "I'll be right there," I said and hung up. "That was Kory. Sleazy–"

"Don't worry about it," Gar said, his voice returning to his normal, easy-going tone.

"I can get tofu waffles with you next time," I tried, hoping I could see him again. _It's just because I hate being with Sleazy. I think._

"Naw, forget it." He waved down the taxi that was passing and opened the door for me. "You and your hubby should be _bonding_." His smile was joking, but his eyes were hiding something.

"You aren't coming?" I asked when he didn't scoot in behind me.

He shook his head. "I'm gonna head this way. See you later, Mrs. Redd."

"Don't call me tha–"

He shut the door before I could finish and waved before walking away. Without realizing it, I turned and watched him disappear in the back window.

* * *

**Miss Nunya: **Well, that was kinda sweet… Could this be the beginnings of love?

**Missnunyastalkerfan**: Unless he calls her Mrs. Redd again. Then it's the beginning of Gar's tragic, "accidental" end.

**Miss Nunya: ***nods* It's a very thin line with Rachel. ;) Hopefully we weren't too far off on the happenings in New York. I've kinda never been, lol.

**Missnunyastalkerfan: **I wanted to take a field trip to New York, but…we kinda figured y'all were getting pretty impatient.

**Miss Nunya: **I don't know why. We update so super fast, right? Right?

**Missnunyastalkerfan:** *avoids eye contact while whistling innocently* What? Oh, coming, Mother!

**Miss Nunya: **Nice job. I'm sure they'll fall for that one. ;) Talk to you guys soon!


	9. Quality time with Great Grandfather Toby

Missnunyastalkerfan: There is actually a good reason why we fell off the face of the earth this time! I swear!

Miss Nunya: Actually, I'm just gonna plead the Fifth.

Missnunyastalkerfan: I get no help…

Miss Nunya: You're American aren't you, silly?

Missnunyastalkerfan: But since I've already spoken, I can't invoke my Fifth amendment right… Besides, I think I need to show a green card for that…. *looks away innocently*

Miss Nunya: Hmmm… Okay then… IT WAS ALL SCHOOLS FAULT! It developed this dastardly scheme to keep us from each other.

Missnunyastalkerfan: EXACTLY! Plus the EVIL flash drive was all like "mwahahaha. I shall die right…NOW!"

Miss Nunya: Death by vacuum cleaner, guys. I kid you not.

Missnunyastalkerfan: See! So you can cancel the lynch mob and postpone the "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!" comments until a later date

Miss Nunya: Like when you review for this chapter. You're gonna review, right?

Missnunyastalkerfan: Of course they will! 'Cause they luuuurve us

Miss Nunya: Awww, you guys! I luuuurve you, too! Group hug!

Missnunyastalkerfan: What? Coming! *runs backstage*

Miss Nunya: Hello? Hellooooooo? Rats.

* * *

Sleazy had lost it.

As Kory and I rounded the top of the stairs, we took in the litter of junk on the floor he'd tried to use to get the door open. Keys, a handsaw, credit cards, bobby pins. _Do I even want to know where he got those?_

Currently, he was using the head of some expensive looking statue to ram the door. "We've almost got it Great Grandfather Toby! We've— Oh, Ruby and... Ruby's evil friend." He smiled at us with crazy eyes. "You're just in time for the show."

"I can see that," Kory said, pulling open one of the four pizza boxes she carried and handing me a slice before getting one for herself.

"Don't stop on our account," I told Sleazy around a bite of Heaven. I motioned with to the door. "Keep going."

Sleazy stared at us for a moment, then shrugged and rammed the door again. Only, this time, he sailed right through. He hooted victoriously. Then gave off a girlish scream.

"Hmmm, should we help him?" Kory asked as she inhaled her pizza. I gave a sarcastic sigh.

"I _wish _we could," I said. "But we've got our hands full. I'm sure he'll be alright." Kory cackled as Sleazy's voice rose a few octaves.

"Vic, we want to teach him a lesson, not _kill _him!" she called. "At least, not yet."

Sleazy went flying into the hallway like a rag doll. He jumped up immediately and looked at both of us trying to keep straight faces.

"Wait 'til Dr. Moth finds out about this!" he threatened, and I saw Kory go into her super-lawyer mode as she took a slow step towards him.

"I'm sure the judge will care more about how _close _you and the doctor are, than you getting your sorry butt kicked for trying to break in."

I walked into my room and handed Vic, who was grinning widely, a box of his favorite pizza: the meat sampler.

"You've earned this," I said with a grin, sitting cross-legged on the floor.

Kory came in a moment later and locked the door once more before flopping on the bed. She let out a squeak as she almost fell off.

"Is this a water bed?" She poked it. "That is so _cool_!" She began lightly bouncing on it with a laugh.

"Kor, can we focus here?" Vic asked. "Operation Kill-the-Sleaze is now a go." He grinned like a five year old boy who just got a new toy.

"How long have you been practicing that one?" I joked.

"Twice… maybe more."

I rolled my eyes.

"Alright," Kory said, getting down to business. "There are currently four obstacles standing between us and the divorce: Judge Beecher, Dr. Moth, Sleazy's parents, and of course Sleazy himself.

"Now, the hard part will be Sleazy's parents. We need to make them think you're trying while simultaneously convincing them that there's no way you should be married to their son."

_Uh-oh. _"Why exactly do we need them to think I'm trying to make the marriage work?

"Mostly for the judge's sake. If it's obvious that you tried to sabotage, Sleazy will have the upper hand."

"Oh." I avoided Kory's eyes.

"Rachel, what did you do?"

"I… might have blown off brunch with them today."

Vic tsked around a mouthful of pizza. "Such a bad daughter-in-law."

"Reschedule it," Kory said promptly. "And where's Gar? He knows way more them than we do."

"Um," I shuffled my feet like a shamefaced child. "I don't know. We kinda parted ways after you called us at the zoo."

"Oh?" Vic asked. "Dating the best friend, I see." I threw an empty pizza box at his grin.

"Shut up," I retorted. "It was _not _a date. He just… showed me around New York."

"Rachel," Kory said in a brisk, business-like tone. "You should _really _be more careful. I mean, if Judge Beecher thought for even a _moment _that you weren't trying in this marriage-" I cringed at the word "-if she thought that you were being…distracted, then-"

"Operation Kill-the-Sleaze is dead," Vic piped up, glowing at his covert name.

"Please," I scoffed, grabbing a slice of pizza calmly. "Me and Gar?" I gave a half-hearted laugh. "_Never."_

Kory's serious face dropped into a pout. "Well, I wouldn't say never. Now that I think about it, you two would be kinda cute together." Her eyes sparkled suddenly. "You could double date with Dick and me! And I can plan your wedding this time, and pick out your dress, and be your maid of honor, and – Wait, no. A _double_ wedding! Vic could be the maid of honor and we could wear _matching_ dresses, and –"

"I'm pretty sure I'd kill someone first," I said, as I tried to wrap my head around the nonsense that had flown out of her mouth faster than a hummingbird on caffeine. She must be crazier than I thought if she saw me getting ma- ma- _you know_ ever again.

Vic nodded. "Probably the grass-muncher. Even I almost killed him."

Kory sighed."Fine. You guys are no fun. Anyway, I guess for the brunch you just have to come off as an embarrassment. Maybe wear an ugly dress, bring them a cheap gift, use the wrong fork."

Vic let out the loudest burp known to man. "What?" he asked as Kory and I glared. "I was just adding to the list."

"So basically act as immature as possible?" I guessed.

"Exactly," Kory replied. "Just…act like you're immature but trying-"

"And failing," Vic added.

"Yes, and _failing," _Kory corrected with a roll of her eyes. "To be mature and dignified."

"Act like the grass muncher," Vic suggested.

_Tomorrow was going to be very…interesting._

* * *

Miss Nunya: Interesting indeed.

Missnunyastalkerfan: *from backstage* Reviewing yet?

Miss Nunya: Maybe if you stop hiding from the AWESOME group hug they'll review.

Missnunyastalkerfan: *still backstage* But-but… I'm doing a rendition of _The Wizard of Oz_! Yeah, that's it! I'm the wo-_man_ behind the curtain!

Miss Nunya: Fine, then. We'll just group hug without you. Right, guys? Guys?


	10. Curse you, Fangirl!

**Miss Nunya: Sorry for the wait…**

**Missnunyastalkerfan: I tripped…and fell…off the face of the earth… Dragged Miss Nunya with me**

**Miss Nunya: And they say the world is round. Tsk, tsk.**

**Missnunyastalkerfan: It's a conspiracy, man.**

**Miss Nunya: Someone call Question from Justice League!**

**Missnunyastalkerfan: I can't… they gave me a restraining order… psssh… some people don't understand me**

**Miss Nunya: *sigh* You too?**

**Missnunyastalkerfan: Yeah… but anyways, we are soooooo sorry for not posting this.**

**Miss Nunya: Yeah. It's not like it was sitting on our laptops alone and forgotten or anything like that…**

**Missnunyastalkerfan: *nervous laugh* hehe, that's just… psssh… What? *looks away***

**Miss Nunya: Lol, enjoy!**

* * *

Operation Kill-the-Sleaze began at ten a.m. sharp. I sat in the taxi cab outside of some fancy little brunch spot for all the "royalty" of New York. Sleazy had already texted my phone – I don't know _how _he got my number – three times.

_We said ten o'clock sharp. Where are you?_

I hit the delete button as the latest urgent message from Sleazy came, tapping my foot to the driver's radio. He didn't even mind that we had been waiting in the parking lot for the last ten minutes, happy to have free time to play Drawsomething with his cab buddies.

"Well," I sighed, swinging my legs out of the door. "I guess it's time to meet the in-laws." _They've been on edge for the past few minutes. And I was getting bored._ "Thanks, Johnson!"

"Anytime!" the driver called, handing me back Sleazy's credit card. "And I kept the meter running for you." He winked. "Good luck."

_No, I did not _steal _Sleazy's card. He was the idiot who left his wallet in plain sight._

I hopped into the restaurant, the servers giving me odd looks. _Who the heck is this girl? _They seemed to ask, as I trotted up to a table in the center of the restaurant.

"Yooooohoooooo!" I sing-songed, dangling my shoes in my hand. I sat next to Sleazy. "Sorry, honeykins, you wouldn't _believe _the traffic here!" I glanced at the appalled old couple sitting across from me. "Oh, hi!" I exclaimed. "So nice to meet you! I'm Rachel! Your new daughter-in-law!" _Was that a flinch?_

"Um, darling," Sleazy whispered, flushed from the disdainful stares from other tables. _Life is good._ "Can you please…put _on _your shoes?"

"No shirt, no shoes and I still get service!" I began singing, grabbing a mimosa from Sleazy, pausing for dramatic effect. _Wait for it. _"I'm sexy and I know it!" I nudged Sleazy. "Sing with me."

"Raquel, was it?" Sleazy's mom asked. "Could I ask how many drinks you have had already?" For effect, I drained the champagne glass before responding.

"Well, Your Ladyship-ness, Majesty," I said as solemnly as I could. "Nowhere _near _as many drinks as I had when me and this guy over here tied the knot."

I could tell by the look in their snobby faces that this marriage would not last long if Sleazy's parents could help it. This plan was going _great_. Until I heard-

"Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Redd," Gar greeted, sitting on the other side of me. "X… Rachel." _Oh crap_. "Thanks for inviting me."

I wanted nothing more than to crawl under the table and die as Gar's eyes took in my bright yellow dress and bare feet.

_Not that I care what he thinks or anything…_

He raised a brow, but smartly decided not to comment on my outfit. His foot nudged mine under the table to let me know he'd caught on and I exhaled silently in relief. "So, were you telling them the wedding story? I actually haven't gotten to hear it myself." He motioned with his eyes to a man a few tables away, watching us far too closely to be anything other than a reporter.

_Jackpot._

I pounded the table, falling into a fit of giggles. "Wedding story? I don't even remember the proposal! Let me tell you, Your Highnesses," I said, turning to Sleazy's parents. "I've never drunk so much in my _life_. At this rate, I'll be in rehab by the end of the week."

Mrs. Sleazy fanned her face as she tried to get oxygen in between her gasps. Beside her, Mr. Sleazy sent a glare at his son.

_Hello, divorce._

Suddenly Sleazy's arm was around my shoulders. "Don't look at me like that Dad. Robin and I are in love. She's my _destiny_. I couldn't possibly lose her to rehab." He wrapped his hands around my cheeks. "Don't worry, my little honey muffin, I'll hide all the alcohol as soon as we get home. We'll do this together."

I burst into tears. But instead of screaming 'Sleazy touched my face,' like I wanted to oh so badly, I buried my face in my hands and yelled, "You liar!" loud enough for the entire restaurant to hear. "You love that doctor. You're cheating on me with Dr. Moth!" I let out a wail, pulling up the tablecloth top blow my nose before continuing. "You think I'm-m-m an ugly duh-kling…" I hiccupped.

"Get her out of here," Mr. Sleazy said, standing abruptly. "Cover your faces on the way out." He pulled out a pair of sunglasses and stormed toward the door.

Sleazy's mom stood as well. "I'm very disappointed in you, Xavier."

By now the reporter was furiously scribbling on a napkin and Gar was desperately trying to keep a straight face. I thought we were home free, until-

"Oh. My. Gosh!" a socialite called as she walked into the door, right by the Sleazies.

To my horror, she rushed over to me with a huge grin.

"I know you!" she exclaimed, pulling out a hardcover book. "You're Rachel, aren't you?" She took my deer-in-the-headlights look as a yes. "I _love, love, love _your books!"

Apparently that caught the Sleazies' attention, because they started slowly walking back to us. _Oh, crap._

"Oh, you're an author?" Mrs. Sleazy asked, dollar symbols in her eyes.

I shot a look at Gar. What was I supposed to say?

Yes," Sleazy jumped in. "She's actually…working on her next book now." He gave me a triumphant look. "It's about a sarcastic, homely, temperamental-" I'm_ gonna kill him- _"girl married to a rich, successful, good looking man." He paused, an idea forming in his twisted head. "In fact, this whole _act _she's putting on is just research…for her book."

"Oh, I see," Mrs. Sleazy said with a sigh of relief, sinking back into her chair. "You had me worried for a second, Renee."

I think the reporter's face was as upset as mine. The perfect plan…ruined by the fan extending a pen and book to me. Even Gar couldn't think of anything to say as the idiotic girl sashayed away and the Sleazies ordered brunch.

"Nice try," Sleazy whispered, leaning in closer. "But you are _not _taking my company away from me."

"Why?" I shot back. "You're taking my life away."

"Sorry about the little show," Sleazy apologized to his parents, who were now surprisingly calm. "I wanted to warn you, but…Regina likes improvising."

"And that's completely understandable," Mr. Sleazy said, no doubt still wondering how much income I would bring in. "Just, next time save the performances for at home."

Sleazy's hand on my leg told me that he had a different interpretation to that sentence than mine. _That's it. Where's Kory?_

* * *

**Miss Nunya: Stay tuned for the next chapter in which Rachel cuts off Sleazy's hand with a butter knife.**

**Missnunyastalkerfan: *evil laugh* We'll try to have this chapter posted within a calendar year this time…**

**Miss Nunya: You can't put a time limit on inspiration.**

**Missnunyastalkerfan: But our lives have a limited amount of time on earth if the fans decide to reassemble the lynch mob.**

**Miss Nunya: Lynch mob? *gulp* Yeppers, we'll have that new chapter to you ASAP.**

**Missnunyastalkerfan: But first you have to…. Wait for it…. REVIEW! Bet ya didn't see that one coming, did ya?**


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